Log in

No account? Create an account
Note to Self - Die Before Honor [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Die Before Honor

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Note to Self [Jan. 12th, 2009|11:04 pm]
Die Before Honor
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Linkin Park - Minutes to Midnight]

 I gave up. This moment. Right now. Or maybe then. It was just a moment ago. I was giving up, and that's it. I'm done, I'm gone, I don't care. I do care, but I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to think anymore, or breathe anything else with any more thoughts or memories. God, I can try to so long... I can put so much in... I can put everything I am, everything you are, everything I want, and everything I want to be in those moments... I can believe the dumbest things in the world. The dumbest things that seem to be the most important to things down to the bare soul. And you can hope... you can hope that at the end of forever some obscene point away is the end of the beginning and the beginning of something absolutely beautiful and passionate without remorse - something without claim to oneself. But there never really is anything there... there never is. I can hope and try and work and imagine and create and do anything in the world possible, but there's nothing there. And I'm stupid enough to willingly fail again. When you try and try and try and never stop trying, sometimes you just have realize that everywhere you want to be and every step along the way to get there... it's all for nothing. I can pretend it's something amazing and significant, truly precious in every way, and completely unique, second to none. But it's just a ticking clock that runs out of energy... and countdown to failure. And those small moments that nobody else would've seen, and the tiny insignificant details that you once thought had meaning... it's just a memory that will always be in the back of your head. Because when you try...and you try...and you never give up hope, not even for an instant - you hold on to even the smallest piece - it just fails in the end. You can keep pushing forever, but when everything just gives up on you, you have to realize that you can't keep trying, because hope kills you. Holding onto hope can be great - but most of the time, you're cheating yourself. Even if it feels right and you wouldn't think twice about it, holding onto that small piece of hope is worthless when the small piece of hope is taken away (even if you feel like you would've held on until the end) - when it's just not there. Don't trust anyone hold onto your hope for you. I have not the strength to try another day -- not when it's taken away.

So that's it. I can make no excuses. I never stopped trying, not even for a moment - I didn't want to miss a moment. I believe that we're granted such rare opportunities that happen to so few people these days... and I had such an opportunity. I took it, for every single glance and smile and laugh and sarcastic remark...I took it for every memory and every thought and feeling and hopeful last-second breath that it was worth and I put everything I had into it.... so even if it hurts, -and it hurts like no other-, and even if this disguised heartache wasn't broken, I will never have any regrets, because I can say that I never, not for one second, gave up....I never gave in until I no longer had the choice. I'll never have to ask 'What if I had given everything?'
...I can't do this anymore.

Note to Self:
Never fall in love with a girl unless you're prepared to be wrecked. I know sometimes the risk of it all is insignificant to how worth it she is, but don't pretend like the risk isn't not there.

Be ready to find out very quickly how you can suddenly have nothing to lose.