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Die Before Honor

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Scream. [Dec. 5th, 2008|12:00 am]
Die Before Honor
[mood |inspired]
[music |Anberlin - Never Take Friendship Personal]

There always comes that point in life when there's nothing left to do but scream, even if only for a second. When everything is mixed up in your head... when life just isn't quite what you think it should be, where you question everything that life is throwing at you. You feel okay sometimes, like you're going to get through it all and everything will be fine... but then you feel like an internal wreck where chaos runs around and feelings mix with thoughts mix with stress mix with ideas and dreams and memories and desire, coupled with escape. Where do you reinvent your exit? You can't take a step back, even if you try... the big picture is so skewed and you're left with just those principles and values you hold dear. There are no morals in your world that remains without question - it becomes a simple hunt for feeling and heart, and what you feel is true to yourself. People are often skewed between doing what is right and what is true to yourself - following your heart. They often think there's a difference between the two at certain times, and they waste time with a fake moral dilemma. But it's not a moral dilemma... because when it comes down to it, what's right and what is true to yourself are parallelled into a complete unity - if you're going against what your heart is really telling you, then you're going against what's also right, and you're not being true to yourself.

There's always that seemingly two-sided sword with a wavering edge... the dilemma that creeps upon us all and jumps out at the last and most significant of times. And we find out soon after that our two-sided sword isn't double-edged at all. There are an infinite combination of edges to fall off or balance on.... but then it all comes down to being true to yourself. It allows you to find your path or destiny, maybe even fall into your fated steps, or maybe even those steps you've been chasing for so long. There's never enough time to live for much anymore, but never forget to live for the chase of those steps... the chase of the next moment which can be so close or so far or even right in front of your face. The chase is what makes you scream - the choices, the steps, the mix of your entire world falling on your shoulders and seemingly breaking apart or falling together into something new.

But it's the scream that releases us all... the second of passion that describes who we are and what we're going through and what we're feeling and what we love, hate, desire, reject, express - and all under the disguise of your dissimilating scream. Your scream never dissimulates...and sometimes it's the only way to realize the world around you.

So go away to someplace far away... far away where there's nobody's around... get in your car and drive until you feel like you're alone. Park your car, put on your most expressive music and get out of your car. Stand there for a moment and think about everything - everything you are, everything you stand for, everything you've gone through in your entire life, everything you feel, everything you really want, everything you live for... and scream until your lungs burn and your voice rocks with wavering compressions. Don't hold anything back - scream like it's the last sound you get to make with your last breath in this world, and put everything you are into it... let your scream tell you how you really feel. Live through your voice. 
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City Without a Heart [Dec. 3rd, 2008|01:00 am]
Die Before Honor
 The sky was blue yesterday, but today,
It's turned to the darkest shade of grey.
Oh, oh, oh I walk the streets of a
European ghost town.

When will we, be assured? I feel so
Empty. When will we be understood?
Somethings broken here. It's gotta be.

I don't want to live my life thinking and
Pacing. I don't want to say goodbye to
All feeling. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Once people talked amongst these
Markets. But now, the cobblestone is
All alone. Oh, oh, oh, these fires have
Burned to a few embers.

We could rebuild this city without a
Heart. This isn't hopeless. City
Without a heart. After all that's gone
Wrong, City without a heart, I'm
Stronger than a bunch of
Bombs, City without a heart. These
Were our dreams once,
What looks like piles of ashes. The fires
Of destruction burn hot. But not as hot
As my passions.

I don't want to live my life thinking and
Pacing. I don't want to say goodbye to
All feeling. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

I don't want to give up now. We've
Come so far. You can't do this alone,
I don't care who you are.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Resurrect these buildings, let the
Melodies ring. Set the captives free,
Set the captives free. We could rebuild
This city without a heart. We could
Rebuild this city without a heart

A Rotterdam November - City Without A Heart
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Lost in Translation [Dec. 1st, 2008|10:53 pm]
Die Before Honor
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |HIM - Razorblade Romance]

*Note to Self*

Somewhere along these past couple weeks, I've begun losing hope. Hope that there was something better and beyond this simple, routine life I've come to lead. I always have things to hold on to so that I can keep hope active every single day. For this past semester, my hope and the highlight of my days were spent with a certain friend. I've always had some feelings for this friend, but they were never as strong as they became over these past couple months.

It was a simple relationship, really. At least, it started out that way. I remember when I first noticed I had something for her... we were outside of the Academy walls, sitting on the cobblestone bench and talking about a girl I was dating. I told her that I had no feelings for the girl I was dating, and I was hoping for the butterflies to just pop up or something to happen... and I distinctly remember looking at this girl and noticing that I did have the butterflies... but it wasn't for the girl I was dating; rather, I felt something for the friend I've hung out with for quite some time.

Fast forward. Summer's over, and the Brigade forms back up. Add in a small sentiment from a randomly found seashell near the steps I happened to be sitting on and a little light flirting, coupled with smiling and a few shorts glances, and I found myself a new memory with holding onto. Over the next couple weeks, we started hanging out pretty often - watching Heroes on Mondays and Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays. The occasional Saturday happened to have some chance and random meetings at a bar or two with a bunch of friends. For whatever reason, there's a small chemical romance forming between her and I.

And then it happens - a kiss. A kiss, followed by more. And at the risk of sounding like a total emo bitch, my heart skips a beat. Two, maybe. Perhaps two and a half - I just remember the instant feeling of excitement and nervousness, followed closely with a sigh of relief that maybe, just maybe these feelings I had become great at hiding weren't only felt by me. The night is another great memory and the next few days that follow are just as great, if not better. I begin to notice this smile she has... I only saw the smile when she was with me - a smile she only showed me (actually, two smiles... but we'll keep that other smile private:) ) Her smile is addicting.

So what's the trouble? She has a boyfriend - maybe something a little more with somebody else. Even if she stole the first kiss, I intruded on them. And she was confused after those next few days. I notice her confusion - she pulled back away from me several times. Imagine my confusion... just two days ago, I held this girl closely in my arms and kissed her. We talked... and she chose to stay with him vice choose me. I never asked her to choose, but she felt it necessary - and my heart begins to break. I told her that it doesn't matter how I feel, as long as she's happy. I said this as I felt a crushing pulse. The feeling of butterflies and falling for someone comes very, very rarely to me. To me, it's damn near more precious than anything in the world.

The next day is hell. Aside from not being able to get her out of my mind, I honor the funeral of a fellow Midshipmen. I'm a wreck now, and I'm stuck between two sore thoughts - if I'm not thinking about her, I'm thinking of my fallen fellow Midshipman... if I'm not thinking about him, then I'm thinking about her. The cycle wouldn't end.

That night, we both find ourselves in NY. I've been stuck in this shitty thought all day and now it's 330am on Saturday, Nov 22nd. I'm smoking a cigarette to ease this stress and kill the tension - who knew, maybe I'd be able to sleep that night. Her van arrived late and she happened to walk over to me, smoking. She had that same smile on her face and that look in her eye - I couldn't reciprocate, though. After the day I had, and this beautiful girl having already messed with my head a bit, I just wanted to close my eyes and let the night be over.

The next day....rather, just a few hours later, we happened to cross paths in our hotel and she says to me just one line. "I'm just putting this out there...but I really hate your facial expressions today..." My response? Just the truth. "....you can't hate me for it." Maybe she understood, maybe she didn't. After knowing her for more than a year and being close with her these past few months, I fell for her. Maybe she fell for me, or maybe she just had a small crush - either way, it wasn't working out by her choice (which I respect, as I may add).

Skip ahead. It the van ride home. I don't want it to be weird in the van, so I hide my pain and put a few smiles into my expression. It's not hard to smile around her... she happened to sit next to me in the van. The van had not much room in it for sitting, so I was against her for the majority of the ride. It's hard to sit next to the girl you let yourself fall for when you know she doesn't want you.

I think it's over. I'm wrong. She made up her mind just two days before that...and I guess decided that she may have made her decision too quickly. We find ourselves playing with each others hands again... intertwined fingers like those cute couples on a first date at the movie theatre, nervous to make sudden movements but nonetheless wanting to touch each other. And then she does something that completely surprised me, (which was pretty friggin' cool too...I didn't think she had it in her to do something like that. I still hope to have the chance to find out more).

Nonetheless, now I'm confused. Insanely confused. Do I push her back or pull her in closer? We're in front of my residence now... and I'm wandering just that. We're talking... and I see her eyes are filling up with tears. I kiss her - I couldn't NOT kiss her. I had to. We decide to take the night and leave....that night will remain as a memory and won't be put up here. But it's the kind of night that you know is rare....one that makes you realize that despite the outcome of this web of confusion, you were lucky to have experienced such things.

We part to find our separate ways until she makes up her mind on what she wants. It's been 7 days since that event (it was last Sunday). Thanksgiving went by just a couple days ago... it didn't matter if I was far away from this place or not, I still thought about her. In a non-obsessive way, mind you. We haven't really talked since, and I'm pretty sure she wants to keep it that way. Which sucks. There's so little to look forward to, and much less to have hope for in this place. When your hope is put into just one thing (or person, I should say in this case) and that person goes away, you start to realize how much harder struggles are. And after this month, the weight of my struggles is starting to feel like it's bearing will never end.

So, that's just my thought for the night. And only my thought, this will remain. Rah, MySpace Diary Preferences. 
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Family [Nov. 29th, 2008|12:00 am]
Die Before Honor
[mood |blessed]
[music |Stone Sour - Through Glass]

I'll admit I'm ashamed of something. Before I enlisted several years ago, my greatest connection to the real world was my base of friends. I did love my family, but I lived to live for my friends more than anything.

Sometimes it takes some time away from your family to realize what the most important thing in the world is - them. Over the past several years, friends may have come and gone. Despite that, I've had more interest in hearing from my brother, sister, father, mothers, cousins, etc. During leave periods, I'd spend more time kickin' it with them than with my old best friends. This Thanksgiving and last summer, I spent nearly all my time with my brother, sister, and mother - it's beginning to drive me crazy knowing that I'm not with them as much as they are with each other. To be completely honest, before last summer, I haven't seen them in over a year.

Seeing them this holiday, I was able to see my sister in her environment with her (possible) fiancee, Ben, and my brother with my niece (his daughter, Tatiana), along with his girlfriend Jackie and her 3 children who I still consider to be my nieces and nephews. I arrived in uniform to mi abuelas little party in Roxbury (near the heart of Boston) and saw her for the first time in years. She's blind now and sits in a wheelchair, but that didn't stop me from kneeling down in front of her and stressing over our miscommunications (she only speaks spanish whereas I speak pretty much only English). She cried when she saw me in that uniform... I also got a chance to hear mi abuelo play spanish classical guitar and sing his own written song in which "Te Amo" (I love you) was repeated seveal times... and I got it on camera. I saw several family members at this party that I haven't seen since I was just a young teenager, barely 13 or 14 years old.

My cousins have children now - and I can see them some of them treat their family as royalty. The way we've all grown up, it's apparent that they'd do anything for them, and would defend them with their dying breath. I'm almost envious of their great fortune and the not knowing the lessons of fatherhood/motherhood that they've learned in raising their children. I can only hope that my future has an amazing wife and children as part of the whole mix - I know that right now, this second isn't the time. But my dream in life, above all else, is to have a family that I can help raise and protect with even my last breath. Family is the most important thing in the entire world, save God. I know I don't talk much about my God, but when you're around a family that always humbles themself in front of Him, it's impossible not to understand and feel that He is a significant part of our world.

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for. It doesn't matter if I rarely see my family - I know they're there, and I'm always thinking about them between the times. Even if I'm sometimes thinking about someone or something else and I'm not around, He'll protect them while I'm away.

And for that, I'm eternally thankful. For my family and our friends, I'm eternally thankful.

One more day until the world crashes again. I'll be with my brother, father, and cousins tomorrow in the heart of Boston. And I'll once again live the day as if it's my last day on Earth - because to them, within all of us, it may as well be. 
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Rooftops [Nov. 26th, 2008|12:00 am]
Die Before Honor
[mood |rebellious]
[music |From Autumn to Ashes - Too Bad You're Beautiful]

walk day to day, and nobody sees me. I stay silent among the crowds that I traverse, and take slow, deep breaths. I'm silent until I'm needed. I'm lost in thought, and the expression on my face is something nobody has seen before. But thankfully, today, I'm ignored by most - I'd rather the privacy of my mind stay right where it is, and soak in this internal craving that I have. Seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days - an unescapable eternity, so it seems - nonetheless, the feeling is priceless, and opposite of regret. These lifeless faces walk all around me and live their days looking forward to weekends far, far away, or cities under intoxicated fires, perhaps in the company of a snapshot film, playing scene by scene in the big white screen. But it's the moments that count - not the entirety of a night, but the string of lights and sounds that bring together a memory - the taste, the smell, the touching and feeling, the heat, the second-long glances and nervous shivers that consume us. Living for a taste that you can still taste, or a scent that you can recover from a distant memory, or even the feeling of warmth from the sheets of your bed - it's always the connection of instantaneous grasps on reality that drive us all, and the memories that accompany it. Let your heart know what it's like to skip a beat or two.

Enough about life...I'll be going home this week to see my family. There's nothing more important to me than my family. Si dios desea y estamos vivos, then tomorrow will be another day to hope.

Sólo el tiempo puede decirlo, y siempre seré humilde con respeto y amor, así que me ayuda Dios.
 
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Winter [Nov. 18th, 2008|10:49 pm]
Die Before Honor
[mood |coldcold]
[music |Stone Sour - Come What(ever) May]

It's cold in the room tonight. The wind doesn't stop seeping through the cracks in the blinds. I can still feel it nipping at my feet. It's colder than usual, but maybe it's just the weather. It's taken time for the weather to start to chill since the hotter days just months ago. But I feel it now... the cold has set in this evening, and not even my sweatshirt, thick socks and a blanket can keep me warm tonight. But it's okay... the weather can only be so cold tonight before it gets warmer... before cold becomes hot again. Winter doesn't last forever - it progresses, changes, and counts the ticks of time away until it's warmer and warmer until a passionate summer explodes into existence. Almost until it's practically impossible to feel cold again - I'm patient. The winter can be cold sometimes and warm other times - even unpredictable and everchanging... but it's okay. I'm patient, and hopefully, just maybe, summer will come to meet me halfway to warmer days and hotter nights. But I'll wait for summer... 
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Brother in Arms [Nov. 18th, 2008|12:00 am]
Die Before Honor
 Today, my shipmate passed. He was a first year Midshipman and a fellow servicemember. I knew him not personally - yet, he was closer to me than many of the friends I've had outside of the Navy. I knew him not personally, yet I stand by and mourn his loss...shed a tear for a man I never knew. I knew him not personally but I would've stood by his side in any fight against any odds. I knew him not personally but I would've helped him however I could have. I knew him not personally, but he was my brother in arms - someone that understood what it was like to wear this uniform I so proudly wear today. I knew him not personally --- but he was as close to me as a brother. My deepest respects and sympathy go out to this young man's family - a family I would take as my own if I could. Rest well, we'll see you on the other side.
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Together We Will End this All [Sep. 16th, 2008|12:00 am]
Die Before Honor
[mood |ashamed]

I've been stressed out lately. So much to do, so little time. I changed majors recently, and my life has revolved around just two courses. Imagine 5 days to catch up on a month of a single course to take the first exam. Imagine trying to be the best you could be on a drill team while you've gotten very little sleep for a week. Imagine trying to keep working out for an hour every night after evening meal. Or grappling with a single circuit for over 2 hours because you're determined to get the bastard problem done. Or struggling for 30 minutes on the first physics exam with a really simple problem, only to turn the test in with a horribly incorrect answer and realizing the moment you stepped out of the building that you know exactly how you fucked up and how to get the answer. Or knowing that in 2 days you'll find out if you've failed your own standard for your academics. Or somehow finding yourself at 2am still scribbling out equations and fucking up the problem once again. Maybe wanting to play guitar because you have this really badass song scheme in your head but you have no time to write it out and you know you'll forget it. Or knowing that the girl you're into isn't into you. Not having enough money to make it home for the holidays. Finding out your father is going into surgery again and you'll spend your xmas break in the hospital room with him until he recovers (which I want to do because I love him). Or not wanting to fail the promise you made to yourself and the people you're supposed to protect. Having a friend die and just finding out about it, and then being reminded of how another friend died in the way I should've 2 years ago. Imagine just wanting to be completely who you are but are stuck in a world where individualism is hard to maintain. Or feel alone even if you have a million friends. Or are worried about your family at home. Struggling to quit this stupid habit of mine that'll get me killed someday if I don't stop. Wanting to help others as much as I can and not having any time to do it. Not being able to help elementary kids learn because your schedule got switched and you no longer have a double period that matches their schedule. Not getting paid enough. Not getting out enough. Not enjoying nature, or going to parties, or meeting many new people. Or wrestling with a religious faith that you're drawn to but have so much logical doubt. Or pissed off that for some reason, you're ranting into a MySpace blog as if it's really going to help. Just wanting to breathe but you can't.

...and being pissed off knowing that I'm bitching and it can be so much worse... I have it lucky. There are so many people out there that need help and I'm here bitching. I have it so good...
 
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Alive [Sep. 16th, 2008|12:00 am]
Die Before Honor
[music |Cire - Pleasure is Our Enemy]

 I'd give anything to feel alive. Just to wake up one morning and see the deep blue sea stretched beyond where the eye can see, or the crisp sharpness of iced water leading a trap against the coast on the other side. Looking through an open window, white frost tinted along the corners and a dusting of flakes sweeps in my room, I can breathe clearly. It's cloudy, a gloomy day - but beautiful. I have no worries, no not a single thing is in my mind. The world doesn't exist for that moment, just me and the silent winter. It's cold in my room, but tastefully so... it's almost like the feeling of my early Christmas mornings when it still had meaning to everyone.

The branches have icicles hanging from the ends, and the buds are frozen to the twig size ones. Leaflets are suspended from their animation. No animals run anywhere, and I can see clear enough to gaze across the river water to the next house. The boatyard lanyard is slapping it's bell against the pole....ring, ring... the wind is perfect today. Slight breezes whisk more flakes into my window. I want to get into my car and slide around on the ice on the river, or grab my skates and explore the coasts of the other side of the river that I never could in a boat during the summers. There's nothing out there to cause worry... I was too young to understand what real stress was and what issues we all have. I could stand, for once, being alone, because I knew people where there to make me feel alive, and I could draw the life out of them, too.

A good friend once told me you are our memory...
without them we equal nothing

That's only one memory. It's one I hope I'll never forget. Sometimes I'll wake up and feel cold from thinking about how it felt on those mornings.

___________________________________________________________

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood
to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
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Rain [Sep. 15th, 2008|12:00 am]
Die Before Honor
[mood |awakeawake]

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
Your getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Breaking Benjamin - Rain 
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