|Lost in Translation
||[Dec. 1st, 2008|10:53 pm]
Die Before Honor
|||||HIM - Razorblade Romance||]|
*Note to Self*
Somewhere along these past couple weeks, I've begun losing hope. Hope that there was something better and beyond this simple, routine life I've come to lead. I always have things to hold on to so that I can keep hope active every single day. For this past semester, my hope and the highlight of my days were spent with a certain friend. I've always had some feelings for this friend, but they were never as strong as they became over these past couple months.
It was a simple relationship, really. At least, it started out that way. I remember when I first noticed I had something for her... we were outside of the Academy walls, sitting on the cobblestone bench and talking about a girl I was dating. I told her that I had no feelings for the girl I was dating, and I was hoping for the butterflies to just pop up or something to happen... and I distinctly remember looking at this girl and noticing that I did have the butterflies... but it wasn't for the girl I was dating; rather, I felt something for the friend I've hung out with for quite some time.
Fast forward. Summer's over, and the Brigade forms back up. Add in a small sentiment from a randomly found seashell near the steps I happened to be sitting on and a little light flirting, coupled with smiling and a few shorts glances, and I found myself a new memory with holding onto. Over the next couple weeks, we started hanging out pretty often - watching Heroes on Mondays and Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays. The occasional Saturday happened to have some chance and random meetings at a bar or two with a bunch of friends. For whatever reason, there's a small chemical romance forming between her and I.
And then it happens - a kiss. A kiss, followed by more. And at the risk of sounding like a total emo bitch, my heart skips a beat. Two, maybe. Perhaps two and a half - I just remember the instant feeling of excitement and nervousness, followed closely with a sigh of relief that maybe, just maybe these feelings I had become great at hiding weren't only felt by me. The night is another great memory and the next few days that follow are just as great, if not better. I begin to notice this smile she has... I only saw the smile when she was with me - a smile she only showed me (actually, two smiles... but we'll keep that other smile private:) ) Her smile is addicting.
So what's the trouble? She has a boyfriend - maybe something a little more with somebody else. Even if she stole the first kiss, I intruded on them. And she was confused after those next few days. I notice her confusion - she pulled back away from me several times. Imagine my confusion... just two days ago, I held this girl closely in my arms and kissed her. We talked... and she chose to stay with him vice choose me. I never asked her to choose, but she felt it necessary - and my heart begins to break. I told her that it doesn't matter how I feel, as long as she's happy. I said this as I felt a crushing pulse. The feeling of butterflies and falling for someone comes very, very rarely to me. To me, it's damn near more precious than anything in the world.
The next day is hell. Aside from not being able to get her out of my mind, I honor the funeral of a fellow Midshipmen. I'm a wreck now, and I'm stuck between two sore thoughts - if I'm not thinking about her, I'm thinking of my fallen fellow Midshipman... if I'm not thinking about him, then I'm thinking about her. The cycle wouldn't end.
That night, we both find ourselves in NY. I've been stuck in this shitty thought all day and now it's 330am on Saturday, Nov 22nd. I'm smoking a cigarette to ease this stress and kill the tension - who knew, maybe I'd be able to sleep that night. Her van arrived late and she happened to walk over to me, smoking. She had that same smile on her face and that look in her eye - I couldn't reciprocate, though. After the day I had, and this beautiful girl having already messed with my head a bit, I just wanted to close my eyes and let the night be over.
The next day....rather, just a few hours later, we happened to cross paths in our hotel and she says to me just one line. "I'm just putting this out there...but I really hate your facial expressions today..." My response? Just the truth. "....you can't hate me for it." Maybe she understood, maybe she didn't. After knowing her for more than a year and being close with her these past few months, I fell for her. Maybe she fell for me, or maybe she just had a small crush - either way, it wasn't working out by her choice (which I respect, as I may add).
Skip ahead. It the van ride home. I don't want it to be weird in the van, so I hide my pain and put a few smiles into my expression. It's not hard to smile around her... she happened to sit next to me in the van. The van had not much room in it for sitting, so I was against her for the majority of the ride. It's hard to sit next to the girl you let yourself fall for when you know she doesn't want you.
I think it's over. I'm wrong. She made up her mind just two days before that...and I guess decided that she may have made her decision too quickly. We find ourselves playing with each others hands again... intertwined fingers like those cute couples on a first date at the movie theatre, nervous to make sudden movements but nonetheless wanting to touch each other. And then she does something that completely surprised me, (which was pretty friggin' cool too...I didn't think she had it in her to do something like that. I still hope to have the chance to find out more).
Nonetheless, now I'm confused. Insanely confused. Do I push her back or pull her in closer? We're in front of my residence now... and I'm wandering just that. We're talking... and I see her eyes are filling up with tears. I kiss her - I couldn't NOT kiss her. I had to. We decide to take the night and leave....that night will remain as a memory and won't be put up here. But it's the kind of night that you know is rare....one that makes you realize that despite the outcome of this web of confusion, you were lucky to have experienced such things.
We part to find our separate ways until she makes up her mind on what she wants. It's been 7 days since that event (it was last Sunday). Thanksgiving went by just a couple days ago... it didn't matter if I was far away from this place or not, I still thought about her. In a non-obsessive way, mind you. We haven't really talked since, and I'm pretty sure she wants to keep it that way. Which sucks. There's so little to look forward to, and much less to have hope for in this place. When your hope is put into just one thing (or person, I should say in this case) and that person goes away, you start to realize how much harder struggles are. And after this month, the weight of my struggles is starting to feel like it's bearing will never end.
So, that's just my thought for the night. And only my thought, this will remain. Rah, MySpace Diary Preferences.