| Annapolis |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|09:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rain Fell Within - A False Reality | ] |
I've been in the Navy since July 28th, 2005. It's been almost 2 years, and continually, I am impressed with the way things have turned out. I can't believe how far my friends and I have come. Certainly quite a few memories have been built up inside of me, and I wouldn't trade any for the world. My time in the Navy as an enlisted Sailor is quickly coming to an end. I've been accepted to the college that's been a dream since high school; only having been unrealized at the time. I was offered a Direct Appointment into the Class of 2011 at the United States Naval Academy. I guess my fate and future in this world will be decided within the next couple of years. I'll qualify Mechanical Operator at my nuclear plant, and then I'll sit around for a few weeks until I head into Plebe Summer. Once again, a new way of living is about to crash into mine. It's going to be one hell of a change of lifestyle; and even if life will suck at times, it'll be worth the memories and more than worth the challenges that lie ahead. I've learned a lot about what enlisted personnel deal with, and have experienced such petty bullshit myself. I'll always remember where I came from, and the first military uniform I so proudly wore. It's almost time for me to move into a new world. I'm excited, insanely excited, and I'll miss the individuals that I've come to respect and work with. God damnit, I have to go back through another 7 weeks of boot camp lmao...out-freakin'-standing. But it's worth it, and I'll take my chances. |
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| Confessions of a Broken Soul, 3rd Class. |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|11:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Is "FUCK OFF" a mood? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Flyleaf - Cassie | ] |
I don't know where to begin. This has been my hardest night to unfold. Many things have happened since I joined the Navy that I felt I could have prevented, but this I know I could do nothing.
It's getting harder to breathe.
You know me. You know something's wrong when I leave my bed in the middle of the night to drive and scream to the music I've fallen in love with. The music I'd die for in a heartbeat, and vocals I'll kill for and the melodic striking of strings that keep my head straight.
It's not even the fact that this is happening right now, but rather what my future will be like... maybe I'm being selfish in worrying about my own health in the future. What will it be like when he's not here? 20 years of having a father around is not enough... others have grown up without father's, and others have had fathers that lived beyond their own deaths. But mine? Our wonderful family trait. Well, his family trait. Cancer. The 6 letter word of pent-up aggression that lives without fuel, and never dies until death do you part.
And Cassie pulled the trigger
6 months. 3rd Class Petty Officer. Machinist Mate. Making my own dreams come to, and my father's too. You know, back when I was 18, for his birthday, I gave him a letter. A letter of who I am and who I've become because of his influence and honor. I told him what I'm thankful for, to the smallest detail, and what I promised him in return for making me into the man I am now. I promised him that I'd grow up how he wanted me to... that I'd never let my kids grow up without a father, and that'd I'd always be there regardless of what's going on in my life. That I'd compromise anything of myself to make sure they were always okay, and to take care of them until they assumed the responsibilites that I carry so heavily now. I told him that he drove me to become everything he was and beyond... that he set the standard that I've always tried to hold myself to, lackingly, until the past 6 months when I came into the Service. I promised him I'd get married to a girl he'd adore, and have children of my own that he could call his grandkids. I promised him a family that would be one of the best because of how he taught me to live, a family that would be like ours once was. Not better than any other family in the world, but better than the ones who split apart and forget about each other. I wanted to walk in his footsteps and become the man he always once. The perfect father, the perfect husband, the ideal man. He was always my hero, and my idol. Nothing could ever hurt him... he was invincible from the World. Un-fucking-touchable to our World.
It hurts. It burns, it grinds, it eats away inside of me. I want to scream, I want to throw everything down and give up everything I have, for a chance to make him better. I try to keep my head clear and focused on my mission at hand, but it's not working. My strength cannot compete with how badly I hate everything right now. How much I want to give up and say fuck this and just walk the fuck away and get myself out of here, just for a chance to comfort him and help him get better. I never thought something like this would happen, not for a long time at the least. 20 Years of knowing and understand who your father is and what he's done in his life is not enough.
Get Back
6 months from now, I'll have accomplished something that so few have before, and it seems almost meaningless. I wanted him to be at my graduation from NPS, and see me as a 3rd Class Petty Officer. Did you know he was in the Navy? I joined the Navy because of the dreams he showed me. A world that I could only imagine. Some of the best times of his life occurred because he was in the service; memories that will last until his dying breath. I wanted to follow his footsteps through the service, and I wanted to show him that everytime he said I had true potential, that he was right. I wanted to show him that I'd never fail at something so important at hand. I guess I realize now that everything was important. Everything he ever said to me, no matter how meaningless, or how repetitive, will always be the most important things a person can hear and understand. I'm scared that he won't be here in 6 months. I'm scared that when I walk across the stage in Rickover Circle, and shake the hands of the Highest Officers in our command, that he won't be there to see who I've truly become. I'm scared that he'll never see me get a college degree and earn a commission as a Naval Officer. I'm scared that he'll never get to hear my sea stories, while remembering his own and comparing ours together. I'm scared that I'll never get to wish him a Happy 54th birthday. I'm terrified that he'll never get to one day meet my wife, and get to hold my son and my daughter in his Grandfather arms. I'm scared that he'll never know how he affected my life, or how he's kept me on the right path, no matter how much I tried to stray. I'm scared that he'll never know how much I love him, or how much I care for everything he's done. I'm scared that he's scared, and that I can't be there to hug the living shit out of him and tell him that it'll be okay. That I could promise him it'll be okay, and everything will be better, just like he would always do to me when I was so young. I'm scared that I can't be with him now, and that he'll think of me as a failure to be a son. I'm scared he won't be around much longer, or he'll die alone, or he'll never know how much I loved him. I loved him to death and I may never get a chance to prove it. He's a good man... all the things he did in his life... all the people in Boston he saved, all the memories he's gained and passed down to me, all the dreams he's made reality for me, all the times he refused to give up and let me fail. I'm scared that I'll come back from sea in 5 years, and he'll be gone. He'll be just a memory of the greatest times I've ever lived with a hero.
I'm scared that I'll have no direction, and that I'll be alone. Horrified that I'll lose it all if he goes away.
And I try to be strong, like he always was. When I couldn't breath, he forced the air into my lungs. When I cried from pain, he was there to comfort me. He could always tell me everything would be okay and it would all go away. This is what I have to be for him. I have be to strong now, in the most trying times in both of our lives, I have to be the one that doesn't cry, or scream in pain at the agony ripping me apart, or break down the walls around me to release my anger. I have to be able to look into his eyes and tell him, without breaking down, that everything will be okay. And when I see my father cry, I can't shed a tear. I'm scared I'll fail to protect him, and that I won't be as strong as he was for me in my times of pain. When my friends have died, my closest, and I couldn't handle it.
I'm just scared. But he'll never know how scared I am now, or how scared I will be if it gets worse.
Do you believe in God, written on the bullet, say yes to pull the trigger
I'm so confused. I'll read what I wrote later, I'm going out to my car to scream with my music for awhile. |
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| I try to be the man I am, in times of Broken lives... |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|01:23 am] |
So I'm here. A beautiful wasteland, at the disposal of my every discomfort. I am still left unsure if my service will continue; the lack of my contract's existence jeopardizes my former choice. But I'm still left here, nonetheless, moving forward without a whim. I don't have the luxury to think anymore, I can only act until a weekend arrives.
When did I really grow up? When did I start to work and not mind? When did I let myself move past and leave everyone and everything I love behind for my own sake? I can say I barely remember a time, yet I remember that time all too well.
I want my life. I want my life so hardcore, but I don't have it. Is it the hardest thing to accept a change of life where there's more rewards but more sacrifice? Is it the easiest world to let go?
I'm in a storybook fantasy, where I lived by the seconds counted on the red digital characters on a clock. I work, I eat, I play. Time continues with or without my consent, but it only moves forward. The world around me ages in times where there is no age, nor change, but my world runs fast from sight. And I leave Rickover everyday, honestly hoping for something new. My mind is drawn towards success, and I am just getting to the first true advancement reward, but I feel empty.
To my actual friends on myspace, you all know who I am and what I always want. I want more than a successful career. Maybe I'm satisfied and slowly on the brink of self-actualization, but I'm still miles away from being whole.
Don't Let Me Down
I can look ahead to my future in the Navy as a truly positive change of events in my life. One that grabbed my broken wings and mended them. A change that changed my world and life and beliefs and everything I could ever see, or touch, or smell, or hear. Or feel.
I guess I have all the friends from all the states around the country, and from different countries around the world, here, in Charleston, SC. Having friends is excellent, but for those of you who really know me, it's never enough. I'm surrounded by people and I still feel truly alone. All my friends here at NNPTC can know the character I hold so dearly to my being, but none will ever know who I really am. Not like my friends in Boston, or in Jacksonville.
This is What Living Like This Does
I guess I'm just looking for a way out. Rather, a way in. I'm not talking about a way out of the Navy, I already have that, and I know I'm not leaving. This place is what I need to thrive in my career. But I'm looking for more than to stand on the deck of a Nimitz class Aircraft Carrier and stare at the melting horizon during the evening minutes. I want the aspirations and spark of inspiration I see myself, but in another. Success only goes so far with a life, but it can't bring you happiness if you're alone. At least, it can't bring me anything.
I'm Not a Perfect Person
So, of course, I'm thinking about my past. What choices I could've made to make sure I ended up like this. Away from the ones I like and the ones I love. Away from the places of endearment and true, real captivating moments. Maybe I needed this, who knows. Maybe I'm just being a sappy, hopeless romantic pirate (haaarrr) lol. But I know what I want, and I know it's one of the hardest things to find.
And My Dreams, They are not Empty
Look at my myspace picture. That's me. At least, it's who I want to be again. But I know I've changed. I haven't just grown up. I haven't just aged. I've matured to an individual that I never thought I'd become. I've gained so much, and lost so much.
Forever, Your Eyes Will Be a Memory
See, what we gain and what we lose changes us forever. What I've gained will drive me forward through the ages of this world, and what I've lost will grind inside of me until the day I can rest. We strive to get back what I've lost through what I've gained, and at some point, we need to realize we'll never have back what we used to have. You can have everything, and find out that you later have nothing, and you're miles away from nowhere.
But It's Only Me, And I Walk Alone
There it is. I'm alone again. Back here in Charleston. I can make all the friends, and brothers and sisters to hold me for a few lifetimes, but I'm still alone. I still feel like an emo kid saying this, but sometimes it's easier to strike the key's on my laptop than it is to sit with my guitar and try to think about what my life's come to.
It Will Set Ablaze, and Vanish
Ah. So EMO. Now I read what I've written, and I realize that I'm crazy. Lmao. Write down all the thoughts rushing through my head as fast as I can, and I come up with this. Man. The mind of a missing Sailor. Alas, I don't have time to be depressed, or weak, or upset. Not until I finish next week with my work. Maybe then I can start rebuilding my life again, at least the life that the Navy doesn't own in me.
I Feel like One Day, Dreaming Will Expire
Yes. My sacrifice is finally starting to take it's toll. Maybe I'll feel better after a long night of sleep... which of course doesn't get to come until after Grad. on Jan 20th. Let's hope I never lose sight of everything I've fought so hard to keep. |
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| I'm skipping stones down a south suburban street |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|11:56 pm] |
I tried to think, tonight. Why I failed so miserably.
A friend of mine was killed last week. In the dark covers that fall upon the evening, she was lost to a hopeless future. Gone, in an instant. Not a second to end a life lived for so many moments. Taken away from everything ever wanted, carved into her essence so well. And she's gone, because of me. I wasn't there to protect her, to keep her from getting hurt. I was here. On base. Stuck here. Because I signed a fucking contract. Because I left. I couldn't keep anything from happening from where I am now. I wondered why she wouldn't answer my call when I dialed. I wondered why she never showed up two nights ago like she was supposed to. Until tonight. Until this wonderful evening when nothing seemed to go right.
I lied. I know what's wrong. I know why I've come so fucking far towards finally reaching what I've worked for, and why it doesn't feel right.
I can't protect those who I left to protect. I can't save the world I always wanted to save.. I can't keep this shit from happening when I'm so far away. I should've been there, I would've been there, but I wasn't. I was fucking here. All along, I was here.
And I can't help but ask myself... how .. how can I sit here... knowing that she's away.. knowing that I'll never see her again.. and still walk the spine to Rickover Center.. and sit in the building for 13 or 14 hours and study... how am I going to manage such a task without falling to the concrete bursting into tears, hating myself for failing to protect the ones I promised to protect? How can I even .. I failed. I fucking failed. I came here to protect those I loved and I failed. I'm starting to see what mistake I've made. I came here to make everything okay at my own expense, and here I am paying for it. And I can't even leave to see her. Because she's not there. And because I wasn't there.
I miss her already... It's been an hour since I was informed, and it's seemed like an eternity. I just can't fucking think. It's driving me nuts... what am I here for? Why am I starting to lose people around me? Fucking why.. and all I can do is try to sleep, knowing I've failed to
I'm alone here. The one person that actually showed she gave a fuck and always kept me sane here.. the one person that actually did call me more than once when I got here, the one person that actually did fucking write me here and the only person who was going to see me here. I never even got to see her one last time.
It's almost only been 90 minutes. 90 minutes since I've lost hope. 90 minutes since ... i just don't know why I'm here.
I know tomorrow I'll be a wreck. I sit here now and let everything I hate and everything I love and everything I am and everything I was run through my fingers onto this keyboard. My anger runs deep, my eyes tear slowly, and my heart slowly breaks at my failure, and it still hasn't hit me. And when I awake tomorrow and talk to her brother, it'll fall apart. My whole world will crumble again and I will lose it. I can handle pain on my own, but I can't handle somebody elses. And when I hear his voice with such an ache and burden in his breath, my heart will die, as did hers. I'm sorry I failed to be there instead of here. I'm sorry I made an empty promise to always be there for you when you needed me, I'm sorry I wanted to keep you safe from those who would hit your car with theirs. I'm sorry I failed you, babe. I'm sorry I failed you to everything you were, I'm sorry I wasn't there to keep you safe with me.. because I can't... i couldn't, and now its like this. and its even worse that you wont be reading this...its even fucking worse that you'll never see these words on your laptop again, and its fucking bitter than i'll never see your face again.. i'll never hold you against me on our beach, i'll never hear you on my cell, you'll never see me in my sailor uniform, you'll never know how it could've been, i'll never feel you next to me again. You'll never know how bad it fucking hurts knowing that everything i came here for is a lie, everything i wanted to tell you since i last saw you will never be known, i'm sorry. and now i can feel it... the regret, and the heat, and tears rolling down my cheek. now i can feel the heat fading, and the cold grip on my chest, weighing down. because you're gone.. and all i can do is sit here and type. i'm too scared to open my mouth now and talk to anyone for fear i'll fall into a mess of pieces crying and screaming and shouting and bursting and going crazy.. because one of my friends who i've loved and promised to always be there for isn't here anymore. I fucking love you, and i hope that you can read my words, or hear me screaming in the distance.... i'm sorry for my empty promise. |
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| From up here the city lights burn... |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|04:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Story of the Year - Pay Your Enemy | ] |
...like a thousand miles of fire ~
I cannot believe how far I've come. Only 3 months has passed and I'm rising above what I was. Even if I was high enough then, I guess I want more. What I was before, I could stand tall and be proud, but I couldn't say I'd always be there. From where I was, I wasn't able to defend those I love, and preserve what I've come to understand most about this world.
This is where I am for a while. I'm in a place with no windows, no doors, enclosed maliciously and slowly air is getting in. There are no walls, but only discrepancies that seem to be slowly drawing away. I lost it all before, everything I could claim to be my own, and nearly my humanity as well. Isolation wasn't fun because it had no purpose -- only time was the judge of that.
I'm not isolated anymore.. I have no more boundaries, and the limits I do have are slowly fading away. Piece by piece what I've worked so hard to create for the past 6 months is coming together. Just maybe, just maybe, it'll work. Maybe this time I won't have to give my life up to save a person so promised. Maybe I'm starting to get a reward because of the self sacrifice I made so long ago.
It's almost like a dream.. choose to stay where I was, without anything but friends. No home, no place to feel was my own, no girl to tell me everything would be okay. I only had my friends there.. and that's all I ever wanted. My brothers and my girls and everybody.
But I made a promise in silence, I guess. To refuse to fail the one of whom my promise came valid. I refused to let his world end as incomplete, so I gave up mine. Everything I worked so hard for, every moment in the history of my life, every material object I could call my own, and every person who I met.. I gave it all up. The hardest thing to do is let your life go for another.
But I'm here. After 6 months...180days.. of never being able to go back. Hours of sitting alone with my guitar, my cigarette, and a car with little money. I let my life go so I could do what a son is supposed to - protect his father at all costs.
And when I completed my task, I left. The wait was over, and my next step was falling back into my place.. everything I'd have to work for over again.. what I used to be, I'd find a way to achieve it all again.
So I left. Boot camp. The place where miracles happen, where civilians are transformed to Sailors or Marines or Soldiers or Airmen. Where individuals become a team, and where people breath, sweat, and bleed together.
Now I'm here. It's all a blur.. a series of blurs.. my memories held me strong... my pain pushed me through, and my regret for sacrifice went away. I made the sacrifice that nobody should ever have to make, and now I'm ... different. Better. Stronger. Without fear. I promised myself I would touch the sun or I will truly die trying. And I refuse to break that promise. I've put so many pieces of my life back together.. and I've gotten past a tough event.
Now what's facing me is almost unreal. A task so difficult that it's hidden from the minds of people. And nobody will ever know what I learn, nor what I have to do, nor what I have to protect with my life...
The most difficult of tasks is knowing that you have to do something without people knowing... and you can never let anyone know.
But I'm going to do it. Because I signed the contract, and I decided to do what few others can. And because of that... I'm happier. I'm busy as hell, but I'm learning things I never thought I'd get a chance to learn. I have my friends here.. my brothers-in-arms... and my other friends :)
I'm getting close to the sun. But there's something in the way of my goal.. and thats the program I'm in. From here, it's all in my hands.. I choose to succeed or I choose to fail. 2 years is nothing... and in 2 years, I'll have more than what I've been working so hard for, for the past 6 months. Hell, in less than 2 years, if I choose.
So this is where I'm at. I've succeeded my old life, and now this is placed in front of me. My deck of cards in which I pick the hand.
------
And here it comes. My sacrifice that I had to make so long ago, it seems.. has come back to me sevenfold. Because I made that sacrifice, I am here. It's funny how the toughest of obstacles can put you in the best of places.
Now I just have to pass nuke school ::evil laugh::
Oh, and I have my guitar back...well...i bought a new one. Hooyah!
<3 And when I come back, dear friends, you won't understand what I've had to do to get where I am, or where I will be. Just know I'm there with all of you, because I am here.
You rest your heads on your pillows at night because we are working to make sure you're safe. You get married, and have families that'll never have to worry about the future of our land, because we are here.
This is my sacrifice part II, I guess. The only difference? This time I'm not giving everything up. I'm getting everything back.
Yeah.. these were just my thoughts tonight. I feel good... and those of you who know what has happened to my this last year, this all makes sense to you.
Time to sleep. I have a test tomorrow. ( ^ o ^)
Sweet dreams, you sick sons-of-bitches <3333
-mike.fucking<3pirate |
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| Charleston, SC baby! |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|07:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alexisonfire - Counterparts and Number Them | ] |
so im here in Charleston, SC. It's absolutely fucking awesome out here... well, compared to boot camp. I can't talk much about it... i guess all you ppl have to earn ur way to nuke school! mwahahahahhaa
seriously though, don't even bother asking.
i'm bored. I'm going to go get some food and jam or something.
<3 woo Navy, baby |
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| September 24th. Hooyah, Navy |
[Sep. 24th, 2005|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i havent heard music in 8 weeks... i need something good | ] |
hey everybody. Finally, boot camp is fucking OVER and I'm here with a mind full of 8 weeks of horrible and amazing memeories that will last a lifetime. I'm shocked at how fast 56 days go by... 8 weeks of training and im here in my working white sailor uniform instead of a Navy Recruit uniform. it feels incredible. So much pride and hard work instilled in a single form of military bearing. pure excellence will be shown and nothing less.
so yeah. im a US Navy Sailor. And whats shitty? i had no support. no friends wrote me a single fucking letter. you all know what thats like? u write all your friends letters and nobody responds>
well ill just deal with it> im on liberty so im chillin> all of you take care ____ ill be in charleston< SC on Wednesday. so ill be talkin to u all online
HOOYAH SAILOR!
<3 |
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| i'll miss you all |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|12:37 am] |
Well, this is the last entry I'll write before boot camp. I leave tomorrow and I'll be there on Tuesday.
See you all a few months!
btw - hot British girls fucking rock! |
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| Finally. Awesome. But I'm sleepy |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|12:33 am] |
Finally. Monday. Tomorrow, sunday, then Monday. Monday will be my last day as a civilian.
But then again
with all of my excitement and then sudden dissappointments
i've learned to really not get my hopes up
so nobody be surprised if for some shitty reason i dont ship out.
but
if im not online for 2 days in a row
im definately not here
fuck yeah
AMERICA
FUUUCK YEEEAAAH
ah. sleep. see ya |
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| Florida Sucks |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|06:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | From First to Last - Ride the Wings of Pestilence | ] |
Hey everybody. Yeah, Florida sucks ass. I met this cool cute young lady that lives near me, but other than that I have no updates. Still waiting to find out my leave date, but I have two jobs I can choose from so I'll have to find out whatever. I'm so fucking bored right now, and most people can't even BEGIN to understand the mental stress I somehow endure.
Let me recap.
1. 1300 miles away from anything familiar.
2. No $$ because of what was required in order to a make a COMPLETELY FUCKING POINTLESS trip to Florida
3. No friends down here that I'd consider good friends to chill with, just 2 girls, one I've met recently and the other likes to just smoke up and forget about everything she was supposed to do each day.
4. Still waiting for a ship out date.
5. Nothing to fucking do. Even if there WERE things to do in Florida, none of them are within 20 miles from where I live.
Where did I go wrong?
But all this solitude and pure boredom isn't getting to me completely. I'm just hoping I ship out before I turned into some depressed little goth kid (LOL) jk, I'm just saying that I fucking hate Florida.
Other than that
On another note
It's people a long time before they finally realize their mistakes.
But what's worse is how much longer it takes for them to mend their mistakes.
I'm done, I'm so fucking bored that I'm going to sleep just to pass time until later on. When I wake up, I will probably go back to sleep just to pass more time.
<3 fuck you
with Love
-Mike |
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| You've got to be fucking kidding me. |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|04:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Arch Enemy | ] |
So, here's a new fucking update with the US Navy.
My seat was given away ONCE AGAIN. Since I failed a non-applied mathematics course 7 months ago and have failed to take an applied mathematics course in the past 6 months, I have to take a HIGH SCHOOL MATHEMATICS EQUIVALENCY TEST.
A FUCKING TEST! I nailed a PERFECT on the fucking ASVAB for arithmetic and basic mathematics (which wasn't really that basic) and now I have to take another pointless fucking test?
Also, THEY COULDNT TELL ME ABOUT THIS FUCKING THING EARLIER? fucking CHRIST! so, for the SECOND fucking time, my seat in Nuke school was given away. You've got to be fucking kidding me, dude. Fuck this bullshit.
Not only that, but there's almost no chance I can leave this month. Is'n thtat fucking gay!? I was given a date on June 28th to leave, but i got fucked outa that. I was then given a vague, open-ended date for "the 3rd week in july" and I was also fucked out of that! Oh yes, now I have to take ANOTHER pointless test just to find a new seat in Tech school. Not only that, people, but now I have no leave date. Nothing. I still have a signed contract but it's completely open-ended and left at my bitter name.
Now it's not my recruiters fault. Nope. Seriously though, they're working hard to get me in. It's this other guys fault, the guy who said he could guarantee me a Nuke seat if I chose that particular path. Well the fucker lied. He can't do a god damn thing. So we're forming a complaint against the guy (but what good will that fucking do?). And one more thing
I'm stuck in Florida. Not only that, but because I lost my seat twice with the Nuke school and I'm not leaving anytime soon, my insurance ends on my car and since I can't pay my payments, I have to sell my car.
This is fucking bullshit. Maybe I shoulda joined the Marines. (that's a joke, I'm diehard Navy, and I'm gonna get the fuck in there, one way or another fucking way. |
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| Soooo |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|11:31 pm] |
I'm still here. In Florida. Not leaving for boot camp tomorrow. That fucking sucks. Fuck this.
So, now that I can't leave until they give me another date (fucking social security bullshit) here's what I have to deal with.
1. Room and board at my fathers house, $100 per week, including this one.
2. Car payments
3. If I dont get a job by the end of the week (even though I'm on standby to still leave at any point these couple of weeks) then I can't stay here and I have to give up my key to this house.
4. I can't bring my car back to Massachusetts (what the fuck)
5. It's either follow these new rules or get the fuck outa this house, as judged by my father who suddenly turned into an asshole?
6. I'm dirt poor from the drive down here, so that means I have no place to go.
7. I have no money for gas and I'm running on empty, so how am I going to look for a job?
8. All this because I couldn't leave for boot camp.
Isn't that bullshit?
what the fuck. |
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| A7x |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|02:23 am] |
| [ | music |
| | A7x - Seize the Day | ] |
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past
I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one picture)
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Newborn life replacing life, replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where should we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one picture)
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
Its empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trails in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you there
Please tell me what we have is real
So, what if I never hold you, or kiss you lips again?
I never want to leave you and the memories for us to see
I beg don't leave me
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
Its empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trails in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you there
Please tell me what we have is real
(Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day)
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home |
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| i guess this was cute... |
[Jun. 25th, 2005|07:39 pm] |
Part Freaky Kisser |
When you kiss, you want to experience something new
A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing...
And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable
There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go | Part Passionate Kisser |
For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble |
yeah. so now that im florida, it seems liek its taking FOREVER for my time to leave to boot camp. ARRRRG |
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| Almost there! |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|08:19 am] |
So... its 8:19am and Nick as getting ready. I'm ready to go. We're heading to Ted Kennedy's office so I can pick something up and fax it to the Navy Recruiters down south. Finally, Nick and I will split our path and I will come back to Hyde Park, gather my items, and leave this place. I'll miss it. But at the same time, I'll be glad to be gone, because I'll finally be completely on my own, living in the real world of the US Military.
No turning back now :-D!
oh yes, and i took out my lip ring last night. fuck. i [heart] my lip piercing so much and now it's fucking gone. LOL i still try to like capture the ring in my teeth and slide my jaw and play with the lil piercing, but... now its all just.. empty lip! OOH the HUMANITY!
<3 much love, niggas. enjoy lifeeeeeeeeee |
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| ok, fucking FINALLY |
[Jun. 22nd, 2005|05:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Arsis | ] |
i leave for the navy in 6 days. alot got mixed up, but i can still make it to florida and then leave for boot camp when i get there. i love you all! you sons of bitches! don't miss me too much :-p
<3333 here I come, Navy. Here I fucking come |
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| So it's time. |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|11:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Underoath - When the Sun Sleeps | ] |
I got the call from the US Navy. Going into the Nuke Program. My plan is being executed.
I'm only in Massachusetts for 2 more days.. I leave on Monday, the 20th. I leave for Navy Recruit Training (Boot Camp) on the 28th (or i'm supposed to be thre on the 28th. im not quite sure...)
So much has changed. I'm ready to go. Even without many words to anybody.
Farewell to my friends! I'll update either right before I leave or awhile after boot camp! It's been great, and I'll be seeing ya in 18 months or so.
-Mike |
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| I'm giving myself to ashes.. |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|12:01 am] |
| [ | music |
| | From Autumn to Ashes - Chloroform Perfume | ] |
For 6 months, I sat and hoped that I would finally come back home. I dreamt of the day I'd make it here and remember how it used to be, and realize it's how it would be again. I couldn't STOP thinking of this place.. my memories of everything I've seen and everyone I've met and everything we've done!!!!... it was so clear I could pick it up from whence I had earlier lost it.
It became an almost unbearable ache in my mind... an annoyance not so easily left behind.. that I needed to come back for good. Just to get that feeling once more when I could see the wintry ice forming in the salt water behind my weymouth home.. just to feel the cold water burning my hand when I submerged it. Even the hated summer days came to my mind in which I could feel the heat forcing my body to perspire and my head to go numb.. I can remember how it felt! Maybe I always will.. in a sense, it's a memory I sometimes wish I never had.
I came back hoping the impossible. I dreamt beyond reality and realize I've made the mistake of believing a lie. I could never be at home again.. I could never pick up where I left off after I lost it. It was just that... I LOST IT. It's gone.. never to be found or experienced again.
I've come to a painful realization that nothing can be the same. Not here, not anywhere.. nothing will ever be remotely similar to what I had here as a child or teenager.
My dreams where I'm living through memories and remembering my past used to be dreams of things I believed I'd never lose.. chemical thoughts that were just a tease that seduced my every desire to pick up where I left off. They're nightmares now.. daunting me with every whim I subconsciously choose to remember.
I've left home.. given up my secure life in Florida to come back to Massachusetts, all for reasons that aren't even real. I believed it would feel like it used to.. I could be happy again and I'd feel like I've lived a complete life. It's hard when you've put your entire life into returning to a world which was really nonexistant since you left.
I can't sit on my dock at 3am anymore, knowing that if I get tired I can just crawl into my cozy Weymouth home and lie in my comfortable bed and sleep.. I can't wake up to the cold Fore River air breezing it's way into my small waterfront window. I'll never be able to sit on the dock with my feet in the water and feel secure again. Not at that old place.
I shouldn't have left. I don't care the noble thing to do was leave and take care of a dying father. If I stayed, none of this would have changed.
In the last six months, I've grown up beyond what I should have. I feel like an adult, and I think like an adult. I've almost lost my will to be a young'un. It's all beyond my grasp, and I'm still clinging to hoping it'll all come back, even though I know it never will.
Just when I thought I'd finally be able to get it all back, it's all not there for me to embrace. Nothing for me to call home, nor a place for me to feel comfortable. There's no more girl there to make it all better, and no friends that will ever be able to understand what my problem is.
I could always let go of everything.. deaths, loves, all of it, within a matter of hours. But, after 6 months, I still can't let this go.. I try, and I fail. Everything I came back for just isn't here... I have my friends and my memories, but I'll never regain what I lost. It's all dead to me. |
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| back home |
[May. 31st, 2005|09:14 pm] |
WOO! I'm at Booley's house in East Boston right now, chillin on his laptop. I love Boston with such a passion... it's really good to be home!
WOOOOOO! BBQ at booleys for my coming home :-p
on friday
and it shall rock the spleen from us all
i'm way too excited.
wee |
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| Leaving... |
[May. 30th, 2005|11:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Thursday - War All The Time | ] |
Hey everybody! I'm only here for another 2 hours before I leave!!!
I found a song here, in my drawer. I had written it, so I will type it here.
I can't wait to go home, but I'm still worried about my father. Eh, good luck to him :)
----
Ever stop and lie in ruin?
A black sea of consequence
The herd of choice, the memory
What is there left? To take with me
But infamous dreams and false realities.
It's all unreal, no point to my legacy
It's never-ending, never mending
To this place, an ode I might suffer
And lose my grand gesture
To please..
There's no more, a life I once lived
1000 regrets, a night unfulfilled
A love once lost, a child that wonders
Unreleased.
Don't look at me now,
Ashamed of this world
The crimson in my face will show
Undying sacrifies I've made
Just to say it was worth it
Say it was worth it to leave.. |
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diebeforehonor's journal
