|Thanksgiving Brings Out the Worst in People
||[Nov. 29th, 2010|08:09 am]
Die Before Honor
|||||Linkin Park - Leave Out All the Rest||]|
Not sure what to say, but I have to write something down or I'm going to go crazy (figuratively). Hannah ended our relationship last night, based on her spiritual grounds. "You are perfect in every single way.....except this one thing." Who would've thought that the one thing that's infamous for absolutely ripping apart my life is yet again responsible? Every time I spiritually feel like I'm developing, this happens. Feeling closer to God, Mike? *BOOM* I'm gonna rip your parents apart and forever change your family's lives. Oh, what's that? Feeling closer to God again, Mike? *BOOM* Your sister just lost her daughter. Aw, haven't you learned a lesson before? You're trying to feel closer to God? You're really dumb enough to go down this path again? *BOOM* I just told the Love of your life that you are undeserving and that she needs to break away.
I want to be a better man. She inspired me to want to fundamentally change who I am for not only us, but because there is a better way to live. A way that breeds love and happiness at every corner. Yet she doesn't understand that every single time I've tried to get closer to God, my life has been torn up. 3rd time was apparently a charm, eh?
I absolutely respect her decision. She's Hannah. She's not stupid, and she has such a relationship with her Father embedded so deeply inside of her that I refuse to refute that. I have too much respect for her and God. Too much respect. But she wants me to become the man *now* that I couldn't possibly hope to become without years of study and work and building a relationship (yet again) with God.
Am I willing to do it? Absolutely. But there's a problem... I was getting there. Maybe very, very, very slowly. But look at this overall perspective... she got me to actually GO TO CHURCH. You know that is an insaaaaaaanely big deal. And not only that, but she got me to WANT to go. Not just because I wanted to make her happy, but because I started to feel like it was the right thing to do. How else does man become closer to God than through his words from others?
But I'm not comfortable yet, even though I'm getting better. I found a church that I enjoyed but she wanted to keep going to other churches, all of which I did not like. I felt like the other preachers were just preaching because they had something to say, not because God chose them to say His words. Mariners' was an exception - I felt genuinely comfortable there, at least when Hannah was by my side.
I took such a big step in the right direction, but it seems now that it was ultimately for nothing. How can I grow to be the man she needs me to be? She wants me to be the dominant Christian member of the household... how can I be dominant in relation to her? She's grown up her entire life with God directly in place as her Father. Literally. God raised this Lady as His Princess. So how the hell am I, who grew up to despise religion and spirituality for the destruction it caused my family over the years, supposed to develop BEYOND her with my relationship in Jesus?
I don't think I can. Hell, I can't. It's an impossible standard to live up to...
This just goes to show you that you can do everything right... every single thing right... but sometimes spirituality chooses who it wants to save and who it wants to destroy.
Oh yeah. Note for the journal - yesterday, my car broke down. The day before, my brother and I fought about his stupidity. Also, I was drafted back into the submarine community for service selection (although I still humbly accept and welcome this charge).
My life is fucking beautiful at this point, yet I have no right to complain. There are still so many other people that have it so much harder and worse than me that all I can do is grit my teeth together and say thank you, my Lord, for I have sinned yet I still continue, in your eyes, to become the man I'm meant to be.
But without you, Hannah, I feel no meaning in fighting against my past for a different future with God. You were my strongest connection to your Father, and for once I felt like everything was going to be okay.