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Die Before Honor

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I need to update this. And re-read my childhood. [Mar. 17th, 2014|10:08 pm]
Die Before Honor
Wow.

I started this thing 10 years ago.  Insane how things change.  I need to update this...
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Charleston, SC... part 2. [Jul. 12th, 2011|11:08 pm]
Die Before Honor
[Current Location |North Charleston, SC]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |Story of the Year - Sleep]

 Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit.

First post I've made in a long, long time and then my laptop decides to assume the "Backspace" button means go back one page, completely eliminating everything I had just written.

Fuck it.  I'm summarizing.

1.  Graduated from USNA, Class of 2011.

2.  Wanted to propose to Hannah, but her mother said no b/c I "did not accept the Lord, Jesus Christ, as my personal savior."  As happy as her and I were together, we decided to break up the morning after graduation.  Although we were physically together until that morning... and that was the last time I had seen her.  We still talk a lot, and I'll always have love for the young Lady... and we're going to my sister's wedding in Boston at the end of August.

3.  The first month I moved here was extremely lonely... I was one of the few Ensigns here waiting for the July 27th class-up for our year-long nuclear propulsion training.  Just living in Charleston, SC.  But at the end of July, a bunch of friends moved here for the same class up, and life has been pretty amazing so far.

4.  I am literally living my dream.  For the past 6 years, I have wanted to earn the honor of being a US Naval Officer... from sweating through the blue shirt as 3rd Class Petty Officer to enduring the trials and frustrations as a Naval Academy Midshipmen, the work has all paid off.  I earned my Bachelor's of Science in Electrical Engineering and will be serving as a submarine officer after a lot of hard work throughout this program.  I am a bit older than nearly all of my peers (26 yrs old, most are 21/22/23) so I am both hopeful and grateful for the future and the little extra experience I am bringing to the game.

So that's the summary.  I guess being laconic can be a good thing from time to time, although this post was hardly laconic, in a manner of speaking.  Nonetheless, that's the update.  Single and living in sin city.  Again.  Last time I was here, I started dating Elise Littleton.  I hope she's doing well these days - we haven't spoken for 4 years, since our speechless breakup during first semester of Plebe Year.  

Cheers.

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Thanksgiving Brings Out the Worst in People [Nov. 29th, 2010|08:09 am]
Die Before Honor
[Current Location |Annapolis, MD]
[mood |Lost]
[music |Linkin Park - Leave Out All the Rest]

 Not sure what to say, but I have to write something down or I'm going to go crazy (figuratively).  Hannah ended our relationship last night, based on her spiritual grounds.  "You are perfect in every single way.....except this one thing."  Who would've thought that the one thing that's infamous for absolutely ripping apart my life is yet again responsible?  Every time I spiritually feel like I'm developing, this happens.  Feeling closer to God, Mike?  *BOOM* I'm gonna rip your parents apart and forever change your family's lives.  Oh, what's that?  Feeling closer to God again, Mike?  *BOOM* Your sister just lost her daughter.  Aw, haven't you learned a lesson before?  You're trying to feel closer to God?  You're really dumb enough to go down this path again?  *BOOM* I just told the Love of your life that you are undeserving and that she needs to break away.

I want to be a better man.  She inspired me to want to fundamentally change who I am for not only us, but because there is a better way to live.  A way that breeds love and happiness at every corner.  Yet she doesn't understand that every single time I've tried to get closer to God, my life has been torn up.  3rd time was apparently a charm, eh?

I absolutely respect her decision.  She's Hannah.  She's not stupid, and she has such a relationship with her Father embedded so deeply inside of her that I refuse to refute that.  I have too much respect for her and God.  Too much respect.  But she wants me to become the man *now* that I couldn't possibly hope to become without years of study and work and building a relationship (yet again) with God.

Am I willing to do it?  Absolutely.  But there's a problem... I was getting there.  Maybe very, very, very slowly.  But look at this overall perspective... she got me to actually GO TO CHURCH.  You know that is an insaaaaaaanely big deal.  And not only that, but she got me to WANT to go.  Not just because I wanted to make her happy, but because I started to feel like it was the right thing to do.  How else does man become closer to God than through his words from others?

But I'm not comfortable yet, even though I'm getting better.  I found a church that I enjoyed but she wanted to keep going to other churches, all of which I did not like.  I felt like the other preachers were just preaching because they had something to say, not because God chose them to say His words.  Mariners' was an exception - I felt genuinely comfortable there, at least when Hannah was by my side.

I took such a big step in the right direction, but it seems now that it was ultimately for nothing.  How can I grow to be the man she needs me to be?  She wants me to be the dominant  Christian member of the household... how can I be dominant in relation to her?  She's grown up her entire life with God directly in place as her Father.  Literally.  God raised this Lady as His Princess.  So how the hell am I, who grew up to despise religion and spirituality for the destruction it caused my family over the years, supposed to develop BEYOND her with my relationship in Jesus?

I don't think I can.  Hell, I can't.  It's an impossible standard to live up to... 

This just goes to show you that you can do everything right... every single thing right... but sometimes spirituality chooses who it wants to save and who it wants to destroy.

Oh yeah.  Note for the journal - yesterday, my car broke down.  The day before, my brother and I fought about his stupidity.  Also, I was drafted back into the submarine community for service selection (although I still humbly accept and welcome this charge).

My life is fucking beautiful at this point, yet I have no right to complain.  There are still so many other people that have it so much harder and worse than me that all I can do is grit my teeth together and say thank you, my Lord, for I have sinned yet I still continue, in your eyes, to become the man I'm meant to be.

But without you, Hannah, I feel no meaning in fighting against my past for a different future with God.  You were my strongest connection to your Father, and for once I felt like everything was going to be okay.
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The Number 70 [Jun. 14th, 2010|12:46 am]
Die Before Honor
[Current Location |San Diego, CA]
[mood |Humble]
[music |Xmas Day - Sevendust]

IT's the number that I can see from here as I glance out my window.  The window belongs to a hotel on NASNI... that is, Naval Air Station North Island.  Tomorrow I will wake up and head to a little squadron PT at 0700 and the rest of the day will be spent relaxing.  Maybe going to the beach.  Who knows? 

I'm in San Diego.  It's been quite some time since I've posted.  Let me update.  I'm on an aviation cruise with HSM-70.  The Raptors.  We fly MH-60R's and make cool missions become reality.  Well, they do, at least.  I'm just a Midshipman.  I'm now a 1/C Middy, and since having been enlisted for a couple years and going through the last 3 years of the Naval Academy, I feel like I've been doing this for a lifetime.

You know, almost a year ago (in 8 days), Hannah and I officially became a couple?  Despite the previous year of our off / on relationship prior to June 22, 2009.   Well, it's now June 14, 2010.  Unfortunately I won't be with Hannah on our official 1-year anniversary but I still have something pretty awesome planned for my return on the 25th.  It's weird to think of myself as a senior midshipman at the Naval Academy. I'll be the company's drill officer and adjutant for the first semester.  One is an easy job and the other, if taken seriously, is not an easy job.  I'll have to stick to my principles and work hard at the drill scheme of things.

I'm working with 21 other senior midshipmen on a project for Boeing.  At least, I will be.  The Cockpit of the Future.  Interesting idea, I'd say.  Other than this senior Capstone Project, there's not much else that's new.  I'm going to service select Naval Aviation because of the challenge I find in learning how to fight the aircraft.  That is to say, learning how to make my aircraft a weapon of my skill at flight.  I'm going to put Marine Aviation as second because I heavily respect the values and tradition the Marines maintain to this day.  We'll see where I end up.  I was a Nuke before and I may just be selected to become a Nuke Officer this time around.  It's funny how I arrived at USNA with the idea that I was going to be a Nuke Officer and how I've changed over the past several years.

Aside from my job, Hannah and I have quite a future ahead of us, if we so choose such a journey.  We talk of the future yet we still let each individual day happen.  I get along great with her family and she gets along great with mine!  She's certainly the only person in existence like her.  I daresay that there hasn't been anybody like her in my life.  She's a dare devil yet her ability to maintain her responsibilties, sense of humility and respect while also finding a true skill of military leadership is truly something impressive and of the rarest things anyone can find in this cold world.  I'm lucky to be so fortunate as to be the man that can always find a way to make her laugh and smile while finding a new way to make her fall in love with me every single day.  I'm blessed, as God has made us blessed, and so I'm eternally thankful for this time in my life. 

I'll be piloting the helo on Tues, Wedn and Thurs.  After this week, I'll prepare heavily for me return into Plebe Summer 2010 where the Class of 2014 will arrive and learn what it means to be inducted into the ranks of the Brigade of Midshipmen.  My mission, with respect and attention to that of USNA, is to instill respect and humility into these new midshipmen.  The Navy will always need good officers that lead while maintaining their principles of respect and humility towards the men they serve and lead.  There is no leadership without service to those you lead and help.  The fundamental understanding comes from the very basics of first learning how to remain humble and show respect in the military to those around you, regardless of rank.  And when I'm assigned my squad in just 3 weeks, I will make sure they understand how important this tenet is.

It's probably time to sleep.  I'll need the rest if I want to PT well in 6 hours.  Evening dreams, World, my Love.

...
Oh, and the number 70 is lit up heavily because it's on the command tower of a carrier in port close to me.  Such a beautiful sight     :)
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Stitches and Summer Days [Apr. 21st, 2009|11:17 pm]
Die Before Honor
[mood |adventurous]

 Hey everybody. I'm still alive and kicking!

I've got some stitches to prove it! I'll have a pretty sweet scar above my eye now - go me!

I just wanted to give you all an update on my life right now. Well, earlier this semester, life had its ups and downs with a certain girl. I think it was the best part about this semester thus far... but that ended a couple months ago and I've just been dredging on for the past couple months.

Good part is - I am about half way through my Naval Academy tour. In 2 more years, I'll be a commissioned officer and headed back into reality.

I've quit smoking. No, seriously. I can't stand it anymore. I met up with my friend and a couple (with 3 kids) and had a good time in DC. He's a pretty good guy - former Marine, great family. He's going to die in less than 5 years from Emphysema... only 40 yrs old.

I couldn't stop thinking about it... how can everyone carry on as if that day isn't coming? I know they have their reasons for moving past it, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the man. I don't pity him, but I do feel sorrow for his family already. I've heard the stories of Veterans in the VA Hospital that are dying of cancer and emphysema and etc, but there's something different when you actually befriend someone with it.

I cannot stand the thought that I'd be somewhere, someday, with a family, and still smoking - I don't want cigarettes to be the reason behind my family and friends having to suffer what I'd be choosing to give up. So I'm not smoking regularly anymore. It's time to cowboy up and move past it.

Any smokers out there? I suggest you quit... it's a waste of our money and time. I'll be suffering right there with ya!

---------

As far as the summer goes, I'll be here for the first month, over in San Diego and other West Coast cities for the 2nd month, and in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii for the third month. On August 8th, I'll be leaving Hawaii and headed up to West Point (USMA) to go there for a semester on exchange. It should be a great time!

And who knows - I doubt my life will be too boring this summer. I just wish there was more to it than the Navy. Ah, one day, there will be. I'll count my blessings for now. :)

Fuck yeah, America. haha
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Remembering Last Words [Feb. 23rd, 2009|11:15 pm]
Die Before Honor
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |Mandragora Scream - A Whisper of Dew]

 "...so hold your head up, Mike. Keep it high. Hide everything and let your internal clock define itself; let your drive follow your engine that never dies. Let nobody see past your eyes....just... let them see something else. Let them see blue. But give them nothing else, Mike - just the color. Just blue - just the Sea. And keep looking far ahead and wandering day to day... feel the wind and the bite of the cold air, and remember what it really means to feel it. Remember everything and never let life go until it's pryed from your dead, cold hands. You'll have your moment - and I'll be smiling when you do. Be the passion you've always shown me. In the end of all things, it'll all be worth it, and you'll know how beautiful the world can be. We'll be together again in the next life. So don't cry...don't be sad. You'll see me again soon..."
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Illusion and Dream [Feb. 21st, 2009|11:14 pm]
Die Before Honor
[music |Flyleaf - Flyleaf]

You know, I really don't know what to say. I figured I'd update the blog with something, but I haven't gotten anything to say. Nothing that I can say without reactions, if that makes any sense. Nothing that I want to say.

Just an update - life is tough. I'm definitely face down in the dirt. Life's worth nothing if you can't wipe a little blood off your face from the scrapes though, right? I'll keep telling myself that until you can prove me wrong. So prove me wrong, please. I dare you.
 
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Mayday Parade - One Man Drinking Games [Feb. 6th, 2009|01:00 am]
Die Before Honor
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[music |Mayday Parade - Tales Told by Dead Friends]

 It was worth all the memories. I've done the right thing, right? Yeah... I did. Yeah.

-------------------------------------
And I thought it would be funny to leave you hanging in suspense

Then I'd run over to your house and I'd scale the chainlink fence

That borders your back yard and then I'd climb through your window

And I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes


And we'd lay there in the darkness like this dream of you I had

Where we captured all the fireflies and knew what time we had

Could be counted on our fingertips and that almost made you cry

But you let me hold you tightly as we said all our goodbyes

May I say I loved you more


And it must of been and hour that I clutched you in my arms

And I must have said the right things because you instantly felt warm

And you heard my heart stop beating but you watned not to cry

As your sympathetic whispers told a tale of bad goodbyes


You swore you heard me laughing and I swore I saw you smile

As the time we've spent together was meant to last us quite a while

As I take this piece of you with me I'll carry to my grave

And knowing that for someone you're an angel sent to save

(Keep Breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you)

May I saw I loved you more


So let's drink to memories we shared

Down one for all the hopes and cares

Here's two for being unaware that you're gone

Because before too long you'll be a memory


---------------------

There's always something in life to look forward to. Even if it's hard to see. Don't stop looking or feeling, it'll come to you. Everybody will always know it before you do, but that's because it's always harder to breathe when it's coming your way. So live life, and live it how you want to live it. Make it all for you, and once you're happy, let yourself make some of it for them too.

We are privileged to live the lives we live; to have the things we have, and to have gone through all the things that we've gone through. Let your most beautiful memories be your guide to where you need to be, even if you don't know where that is yet.

Live. :)
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Note to Self [Jan. 12th, 2009|11:04 pm]
Die Before Honor
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Linkin Park - Minutes to Midnight]

 I gave up. This moment. Right now. Or maybe then. It was just a moment ago. I was giving up, and that's it. I'm done, I'm gone, I don't care. I do care, but I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to think anymore, or breathe anything else with any more thoughts or memories. God, I can try to so long... I can put so much in... I can put everything I am, everything you are, everything I want, and everything I want to be in those moments... I can believe the dumbest things in the world. The dumbest things that seem to be the most important to things down to the bare soul. And you can hope... you can hope that at the end of forever some obscene point away is the end of the beginning and the beginning of something absolutely beautiful and passionate without remorse - something without claim to oneself. But there never really is anything there... there never is. I can hope and try and work and imagine and create and do anything in the world possible, but there's nothing there. And I'm stupid enough to willingly fail again. When you try and try and try and never stop trying, sometimes you just have realize that everywhere you want to be and every step along the way to get there... it's all for nothing. I can pretend it's something amazing and significant, truly precious in every way, and completely unique, second to none. But it's just a ticking clock that runs out of energy... and countdown to failure. And those small moments that nobody else would've seen, and the tiny insignificant details that you once thought had meaning... it's just a memory that will always be in the back of your head. Because when you try...and you try...and you never give up hope, not even for an instant - you hold on to even the smallest piece - it just fails in the end. You can keep pushing forever, but when everything just gives up on you, you have to realize that you can't keep trying, because hope kills you. Holding onto hope can be great - but most of the time, you're cheating yourself. Even if it feels right and you wouldn't think twice about it, holding onto that small piece of hope is worthless when the small piece of hope is taken away (even if you feel like you would've held on until the end) - when it's just not there. Don't trust anyone hold onto your hope for you. I have not the strength to try another day -- not when it's taken away.

So that's it. I can make no excuses. I never stopped trying, not even for a moment - I didn't want to miss a moment. I believe that we're granted such rare opportunities that happen to so few people these days... and I had such an opportunity. I took it, for every single glance and smile and laugh and sarcastic remark...I took it for every memory and every thought and feeling and hopeful last-second breath that it was worth and I put everything I had into it.... so even if it hurts, -and it hurts like no other-, and even if this disguised heartache wasn't broken, I will never have any regrets, because I can say that I never, not for one second, gave up....I never gave in until I no longer had the choice. I'll never have to ask 'What if I had given everything?'
...I can't do this anymore.

Note to Self:
Never fall in love with a girl unless you're prepared to be wrecked. I know sometimes the risk of it all is insignificant to how worth it she is, but don't pretend like the risk isn't not there.


Be ready to find out very quickly how you can suddenly have nothing to lose.
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Enough - Lyrics [Dec. 9th, 2008|11:03 pm]
Die Before Honor
 Smile at life, ladies and gents.
Only 8 days until I'm in a better place for leave for a few weeks! Find something amazing to smile about. There's a reason for everyone to smile everyday - make sure you find yours!

5 finals to go!


-----------------------
You know I, I'm scared to feel this
You knew where I am
You know what I want, I'm lost
I'm so lost and so scared
I found true meaning
Yes, found me so lost and so scared tonight

All that I wanted and all that I needed
Just take my heartache and break it
And you're what I want, yes you're what I need
is my life taken for granted?

Again... I feel like a can't run,
like I can't heal
And I know I want to come here again, with your case

Just tell me when the clouds will break..
the moon will shine and break free tonight

All that I wanted and all that I needed
Just take my heartache and break it
And you're what I want, yes you're what I need..
Is my life taken for granted?
All that I wanted and all that I needed
Is your life, precated in weakness
And you, you lost it all for me
And I just... repaid you in pain in grief.

You're the light
Uncover the lies
Turn on the lights
Uncover the lies... (oh the lies)

All that I wanted and all that I needed
Is your life, precated in weakness
And you, you lost it all for me
And I just... repaid you in pain in grief
All you wanted and all you needed
Was my tone precated for life
don't you take it and don't you break it
Just tell me you hate it
(cuz)I know you're lost tonight

A Rotterdam November - Enough (The End)
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